Christmas In The White House

by Nick Dolezal

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Cassette + Digital Album
It's Nick Dolezal's "Christmas In The White House," available now for the first time on cassette! Hear all your favorite holiday classics, just like you remember them from a year ago! The War on Christmas is OVER!

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1.	We're Making Xmas Christmas Again 04:05	lyrics	buy track
We’re making Xmas Christmas again Come on grab your friends We’ll huddle ‘round the tree & pee To make the cheeto grin The Starbucks cups will be adorned With baby Donald in a manger Baristas all around the world Serving covfefe to strangers We’re making Xmas Christmas again Tell all who believe Tell Matthew, Mark & Luke & Steve To make themselves relieved But if it is not hooker’s piss Our savior will be peeved We’ll have to take a trip to Russia I hope you like to ski We’re making Xmas Christmas again Expect a gift from Santa Trump Perhaps a portrait of himself Or maybe just a stump Between him & Mr. Grinch Donald’s the bigger grump But when you’re pissing on his face His chode turns to a bump We’re making Xmas Christmas again Shout it from the tallest mountain & when you’re done let’s have some fun We’ll take a dip in Trump’s piss fountain I know that it’s not sanitary But you don’t wanna see him poutin’ On Christmas morn a round we’ll pour For all to stick their snouts in! We’re making Xmas Christmas again x3 Except it’s more like Pissmas again
2.	On Pardoning Day 03:07	lyrics	buy track
He says he wants to be a much nicer President On turkey day, on turkey day He’ll reassure the Gobbler’s Nest residents On pardoning day, on pardoning day Drumstick & Wishbone will be joining Tater & Tot Spending Turkey Day together whether they like it or not Mmhmmhmmm Yum yum hum Mmhmmhmmm Yum yum hum The White House Counsel’s office will have him informed On pardoning day, on pardoning day These turkey’s pardon’s cannot be revoked This Turkey Day Let the turkeys play Drumstick & Wishbone will not be fed corn Tater & Tot will not be carved & poked Mmhmmhmmm No no no On turkey day On pardoning day The only turkey we’ll be gobblin' Is the President hob goblin Donald Trump We’ll carve his rump Mmhmmhmmm Yum yum hum
3.	The Man With The Sack 03:14	lyrics	buy track
Well the holidays are coming & I’m out on the sidewalk bumming Yes my name is ol’ Saint Nick & I need to get my fix I appreciate your understanding as to why I am panhandling But please don’t tell Mrs. Claus She’ll beat me with the Yule Tide Log The elves don’t know I’m using They would find it too confusing Dancer, Prancer, & I Get high on our sleigh rides My dealer is a snowman With a pretty gnarly spray tan He claims to be Commander in Chief Who am I to disagree? Don’t buy snow from old King Cole Don’t buy rocks from Frosty Jack It might sound whack but I buy my crack From the man with the sack When I’m making up my list I don’t bother to check it twice I just make sure to clear his name & the rest get a role of the dice The pennies that you spare me go to a worthy cause Juicing up the red party & stoning Santa Claus Thanks to Suzy Snowflake & Ebenezer Scrooge The rich keep getting richer & the poor keep getting screwed
4.	Mike Pence Smells 05:42	lyrics	buy track
Jingle bells Mike Pence smells Donald laid an egg The Trump mobile Lost it’s wheel & Bannon got away HEY Dashing to FOX News With a case of Christmas blues I fired Spice & Mooch & Steve you’re fired TOO! In case you didn’t know Mike Pence smells like poo Be sure to pinch your nose or else you’ll surely spew A day or two ago I thought I’d take a ride & soon Melania Trump Was seated by my side The horse was big & plump So I cooked him into steaks Then I had to take a dump but instead I laid an egg A day or two ago The story goes you see I stepped into some snow Where Mike Pence had peed I could not resist This very special treat I made myself enough snow cones To last all Christmas week! Now the ground is yellow So be ye happy fellows When you’re shaking your dong Be sure to sing this song The snow may quench your thirst But a rumbly tummy’s worse You don’t have to beg You can feast on Donald’s eggs
5.	Alt-Right Christmas 04:53	lyrics	buy track
I’m dreaming of an alt-right Christmas A Christmas we have never known There’ll be marches in the street Mousetraps at our feet To capture all the rats & send them home I’m dreaming of an alt-right Christmas But it’s a nightmare so I’m told All the candidates are white So of course they’re not too bright & on top of that they’re way too old I’m dreaming of an alt-right Christmas Where all the snowflakes have no shame The snow will melt to rain & fill the swamp they could not drain Lightning strikes the Nazis set aflame I’m dreaming of an alt-right Christmas I hope there won’t be one again This one will be the last There’ll be no more after that So may your only alt-right Christmas be a blast!
6.	Will It Ever Snow In California 03:18	lyrics	buy track
Will it ever snow in California? Maybe one fine day it really will Imagine that Mountains snowcapped & all the elderly have fallen ill What if it did snow in California? Why I myself think it would be a thrill! Hell frozen over Big bulldozers Shoveling the white stuff up the hill You don’t have to pretend There’d be wrecks on the 10 But all of the stoners would chill If you desired You could build a bonfire & watch it all melt into spill If it did snow in California There’d be lots of dead rodents Dead skunks & rats Grab your baseball bats There’s only a few left to kill Now it’s snowing in California & I still have lots of stockings left to fill It’s too late to inform them Silly Californians Just wait ’til they see their utility bills! It’s not hard to see There just ain’t enough trees & the lumber’s all gone at the mill Least we hung up the lights Since it’s nearly midnight & the town’s even covered in frills When it snows It just blows In California!
7.	Have A Holly Jolly Trumpmas 02:52	lyrics	buy track
Have a holly jolly Trumpmas it’s the best time to drink So long as it’s brewed with hooker’s piss & a dash of fallout fear! He’s climbing down my chimney The Santa Trump is here I hope he doesn’t get stuck up there It’s pretty chilly dear Yoo hoo the missiles launch Flying through the air Somebody will blow up I hope he has bad hair I don’t know where you’ll be But my family’s by the tree We’re tuning in to watch FOX News To see his Christmas speech He’s shouting “MERRY CHRISTMAS” From New York to LA I hope someday his reindeers will Fly me on his sleigh Yoo hoo the missiles launch Flying through the air Somebody will blow up I hope he has bad hair I can’t wait to read what he tweets About the gifts he brings to me I wonder if I’ll get a Tonka Truck or a brand new Barbie Let’s have a merry Trumpmas C’mon it only makes sense We won’t get to have one again After he’s impeached
8.	Trump On A Stump 02:45	lyrics	buy track
You’ve heard of elf on a shelf What about Trump on a stump? It’s Christmas again & you feel like a grump Turn that frown to a grin What’s got you down in the dumps? When you feel stretched thin Go ahead take a bump & sit your patookus Down on the stump This isn’t elf on a shelf This is Trump on a stump His face carved into the rings Don’t be afraid to jump Stand up, sit down Right on your rump You’re in time out Don’t fuck this up You want some coal? Then have a lump Cut the crap Clean up your act Don’t be a chump Sit on Trump’s stump He’ll ask you what you want for Christmas Then take it away from you He’ll build a wall to block the dreams out & defund your children’s schools So let him know you want for Christmas A voice in government & he’ll chop down all your Christmas trees & demand that you sit Cut the crap Clean up your act Don’t be a chump Sit on Trump’s stump
9.	Christmas In The White House 04:08	lyrics	buy track
It’s a lonesome Christmas in the White House But I don’t want anyone to find out All the ghosts of Presidents’ passed Are all I have to ask To keep me company Melania’s sleeping in Trump Tower While I’m busy counting down the hours 'Til Santa Claus comes crawling down my chimney With a gift to give me To bring her back to me Now Chris Cringle knows that I’m not single If I was I’d be ready to mingle But this Christmas just isn’t gonna jingle Without My wife’s company I’ve got Jeff Sessions dressed like an elf But it doesn’t seem to be that much help When these walls come crumblin’ down You know where he’ll be found Back up on the shelf I know that I haven’t been a good man I can’t hold on to love with these small hands But if I promise to be a good boy Would you bring me back my toy She’s all that gives me joy Now Chris Cringle knows that I’m not single If I was I’d be ready to mingle But this Christmas just isn’t gonna jingle Without My wife’s company Without My wife’s company Melania’s sleeping in Trump Tower I’m still busy counting down the hours ’Til Santa Claus comes crawling down my chimney But because I’ve been naughty A lump of coal he gives me
10.	Santa 2018 03:15	lyrics	buy track
Santa Claus for President 2018 You know what I’m saying, you know what I mean Ho ho hope for cha cha change Ho ho hope for cha cha change We’ll move Election Day to Christmas Day And write in Santa’s name on all of the ballots Ho ho hope for cha cha change Ho ho hope for cha cha change Trump no longer reigns supreme Santa 2018 Mrs. Claus as First Lady & Rudolph’s running for VP Move the North Pole to Washington DC Take a sleigh ride in a limousine Santa believes in world peace Roast a chestnut for Mr. C

about

Written & recorded over the first 15 days of December, 2017 for THE TO DO

credits

released December 1, 2018

*Christmas In The White House co-written & recorded with Daniel Paz (Danny Lango)
*On Pardoning Day features Colin doing trumpets
*Man With The Sack features Dan on bass